were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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