Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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