this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
