Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
40s are totally the cure
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
