in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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