I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
