no, he came in my armpit
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
