Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
