New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
