i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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