My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
