If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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