Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
