His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
