It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
