Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am mentally ready for anal.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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