do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
