I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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