Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize