I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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