I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
