I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My feet surprised me
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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