call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
