Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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