it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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