idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I met the friendliest cop last night
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I want a musical about memes.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
