I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
