if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
