the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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