im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
