I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
