if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
