I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
