You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
