i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
