Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I touched a dick in church today
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
