I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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