Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
