i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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