Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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