Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize