I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
