Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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