Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
