My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
