Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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