Screwed.edu
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
