Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
