So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
