He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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