Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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