i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
