i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
