Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
