I cockslap morals
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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