were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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