she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize