just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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