i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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