Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
