I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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