So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The beer is more important than you right now.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
