First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
