OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
